FORBIDDEN LOVE

"My love for him was forbidden so I keep it to myself and promise that I can stay like that. In my situation i just believe that if he's for me he's for me .."

Somebody asked me about my love story and I just answered those things that I've wrote a while ago. But he insisted to make my story more specific and detailed so here it goes....

Someone I don't know added me in facebook.  An allien in my planet...
Actually I don't talk to strangers.. But a guy named Marc said to me he was a good one so I tried and it worked. He is really a good. one.. We started to talk and that's when i start having a bad habit...
BAD HABIT: finding myself in front of the computer all day.
I don't know, I just want to be in front of the computer just to talk with him..
He already met my family through having a video call conversation.

kringgg... kringgg.. kring.. (ringing phone)
OH MY!!! He was calling!!
I ran to my room and close the door  and finally we're talking.
The first time he called I really don't know what to do or say.. for me it was a  BIG trouble coz' i'm not that good in speaking.

But all things have been changed...hahaha.
I saw his effort by calling me...
Sending me a message just asking how am I doing...
Years have been passed and I still can't figure out how it is that I feel. I just know that I like talking to him and that's it period!

One day he promised me something "i will go to your birthday"
(on my debut rather)
I actually doubted if he is really going here but I believe he will do it.
My birthday passed and still he's not here...
My trust just go down suddenly and I don't know why..
I really felt bad that time because he told me everything he wants to happen on my debut like:
If I will not be able to have a party he's the one who'll give party to me.
Well maybe i Expected TOO MUCH.
But atleast he gave me a message to my birthday because if not I will really get angry with him.
He was working.. And in his work there are delays and I understand that.. 
He made me understand the situation that's why I start gaining my trust again..

Then..
While I was sleeping I dont know why but I got up on my bed with my skype running all night long,
I received a message saying "hey queenie i'm coming in manila.." and I don't know how to reply because I don't have a load to text him..
What I did is that I find an application in the internet who can send free message to a German number
and then I did it I found one even though I don't understand the instructions.
 I just make a guess...
hahaha
:)

Then I didnt sleep because of excitement.
The morning I fixed myself early because he's in manila now (finally I will see him in real).
I was so excited to see him and when I saw him i was stunned.. hahaha
It was my first time to see with my two eyes a blond, tall, blue-green-yellow eyed man
hahahaha yeah really..
I don't know how to explain my feelings that time it's like I SAW A FAMOUS ARTIST.
:)

I can't hide the smile upon my face that time because i'm really happy and he never fail to do his promise.
I know it's delayed but HE DID IT!
So brave!! Going to a country without anyone you know except me.

We do silly things like:
We lied to the guards just to make him go inside the school haha
I had so much fun.. I never think of anything..

We started hanging out. Eating and everything.
I have lots of first time with that guy..
The first man i introduced with my family.
The first man who slept in our house..
The first man whom my family loved and like to have a drinking session.

One day, as I go home from school I just recieve a heart breaker news...
My tita said: "He has a girlfriend"
At first I don't believe it but as I look into his profile it was all true...
At that very moment I felt a pinch inside my heart...
and i never thought of having him again... 
It broke my heart really  that's why I do things just to make him out of my life..
I changed my number.... I don't chat.
I also tried to deactivate my facebook account.
Then my tita  told me.. "youre really hurt" and I said nooo..... " 

Well, I was in a denial stage that time.
but I think shes right. That time I realized that maybe I love him
As time goes by my situation opens to my heart what I really feel for that guy.. 
oh yes. i'm in love...
ooooppps..... 
But I cant. I can't let it happen,,
those are the words that played on my mind.

When I think of the situation, I just make conclusions to the things that might happen when I let myself love him so I really do my very best to stop it but I cant so I hide it.
then i succeed...
then he went to his country,,
I do things that hurt him.. 
I did that because I want him to be out.. 
I know its selfish but I cant let myself do things that might hurt my family's feelings..
I pushed him away..
I do things that pushed him away. 
And I did it intentionally.. so that i can stop what i feel...
 
After a few months.. I discovered he got a girlfriend
So i ended up hiding everything to my heart.. 
It was exploding, Errupting....
and now it  exploded..

But i'm happy being a part of his life even once.

"I'M NOT OKAY BUT I'LL BE FINE.

NOT NOW BUT SOON I'LL BE GREAT"

ALIEN =)

                                                                    11.01.2012
Hey Queenie,

here are some of the pictures I took with my iPhone, but didn't send them to you yet. I really hope that you like them as much as I do.
I remember the day I arrived in Manila as it was right now. The same night I wrote you a text message and you kept your Skype running all night long, just to see me the next day. I directly went to your college in the next morning and experienced the first time Filipino traffic. I was so exited to see you finally in real. . The following days we had the best time of my life.
Before we have been chatting for about two years. That time I already fell in love with you. I was thinking every single day of you, and how it would be, to spend time with you in real life. Actually I never believed in love thru internet. But you showed me, that anything is possible. From the moment we met, my love for you grew up with every day we spent together. The days we hung out in malls, when you visited me in my hotel, when we had lunch together or when you even arranged me an awesome apartment/bed spacer. I was so thankful. I even told James and Karen about my feelings for you.
After a few days I visited your home and had a wonderful time with you and all members of your great family. I was really happy that time, except for the point of your father, that you definitely was not aloud to be my girlfriend.
Unfortunately also you changed after those words of your father. Afterwords, you did not visit me anymore or hung out with me at all.
It is not, that I would not understand your father. Cause also I respect your father, his wishes and rules totally, as he is a good man with good values.
I think that he is just trying to protect you. But I grow up with other traditions, where being boy- and girlfriend is not a problem at all. Actually I never had problems to get along with other traditions, but that time I just did not think that far.
Anyway, that time I was only sad and in deep pain. Especially when I slept the second time in your house and you told me, that it was not possible to be your boyfriend or anything else of that kind, until the time of your graduation from college. That night I just slept rarely, cause your graduation seemed so far away to me. And I also was not sure, whether you like/see me as your love companion or not, even though I just came for you to the Philippines. But by now I really do not care about time any longer, cause in my mind you always accompany me on any path.
The next day I  had a long conversation with my American friend , who lives in Manila. He suggested to look forward and to go to the barbecue party of our friend  in stone house three days later to move on. So I did and stopped listening to the grounds of my heart.
On that party I met someone. She is actually a nice girl. She is quiet selfish and she is probably way more into my money than into me, but anyway we had  fun together. As it goes, I run into a relationship with her, even though I am wondering until now how it came that far. Probably cause she is already independent and spent a lot of time with me. But that relationship did not base on love.
I just tried to explain what happened to me and how the whole situation went as it is now.
Until now, the present day, you are running thru my mind every entire day. Nobody can tell me that my feelings for you are not love. I am watching our pictures every day, cause I am getting a warm feeling around my heart when I am seeing those happy moments. I am imagining how it was, if you visited me in Germany, how I would introduce you to my family and my friends, what food I would serve you, how we would spend the days....and so on and so on.
I am regretting so badly what I did and I gotta pray for forgiveness. The only excuse I got, is that I am still just young and making mistakes. And from mistakes I am learning, as I did now. But if I am considering that, it is also not helping to improve the states of affairs.
I remember how you told me about earning your trust, especially for the case of love. So I know that I messed up on the whole line. But I learned from my mistakes and it is never gonna happen again in my life.
I really do do not know how to explain the whole situation better. I am also feeling sorry for her, even though she had already lots of boyfriends and way more experience than me.
But I can not help myself. Since we wrote the first time, by now it is almost three years ago, I am in love with you for so many reasons. You are always honest, you are very funny, there is never a moment we run out of conversation, you are so responsible for all things you are doing, you are self confident and in the same moment respectful with other people, you are never arrogant, you have a great behavior, you are always helpful and I can trust you with everything I tell you. And everybody who knows you, will understand me, cause you are such a good person with a big heart and a very smart mind. Somebody like you exists just once.
I do not know what you think about this all and how it is going on from now. Anyway I felt like I finally had to come out with the entire truth, cause I do not want to lie to anybody, including myself.
I hope so deeply that you can understand me and not being to mad at me for that. Maybe you could even consider to give me a second chance.
I am begging you for an answer, to let me know, how you felt about all this what happened and about your thoughts.
I hope that your classes are successful and that you are getting along, especially with the accounting. I know you can do it and wish you all the best from all of my heart.
Take care and never lose your awesome smile